My facebook status from earlier today said:
This mom stuff...it's hard.
It's one of those statuses that I (almost immediately) regret posting and contemplate deleting, for fear of being misunderstood. But, today I had didn't have much time to spend thinking about it after I posted it, as I had a sick little girl needing my attention. Fast foward through an afternoon spent at the pediatrician's office followed by the pharmacy, and she is now resting comfortably (temporarily?) and I am taking a few minutes to chill before tackling the disaster area that is my kitchen.
In responding to a friend's encouragement, I decided to just post the note here as it seemed blog-worthy...
Thank you. I really appreciate the prayers. I always regret posting a status like that, and this time I think I was misunderstood, although I didn't really give any details by which to be understood.
C has had a cough/congestion since last Monday, and on Thursday I called the doctor and after talking with a nurse about her symptoms, she called in a Rx cough medicine for her. That definitely helped with the cough, but her symptoms were still lingering, and G and I started getting some of them too. We weren't really sure if we were all suffering from allergies or a bad cold or what. The pear trees across the street are blooming, which always gets me, and people at G's work and church have been sick with this crud and it's hung on for about 2 weeks, so we were waiting it out. Last night, C would only sleep for about 30-45 minutes at a time and then wake up crying. Same thing this morning, only she was pulling on her ear. SO, I called the doctor again and they were able to see her this afternoon. Her right ear looks pretty bad the doctor said, and the left is not too bad. Her throat looks like strep, but since she was already getting an antibiotic for the ear, she didn't bother with a strep test b/c it would take care of it anyway. And, she has some "crackles" in her chest -- NOT pneumonia, but she's treating her aggressively in an effort to prevent pneumonia. We stopped by the pharmacy on the way home and picked up the antibiotic and the Mucinex she prescribed, and I was able to get both doses in her before she fell asleep on the couch, which is where she is now.
The mom stuff being hard status comes from dealing with an up and down sick child for over a week, battling sickness myself, and feeling inadequate to do everything I'm supposed to do. My world kind of stops when she's sick and she wants to be held and I want to hold her so I do and I care for her, and meanwhile, all of my other duties pile higher and higher (literally in some cases like the laundry. ;-)) In addition, being the firstborn and overachiever that I am, I want to make sure I'm doing everything perfect and right the first time...emphasis on EVERYTHING and PERFECT. So, this mothering stuff comes with constant questions -- should I give her medicine or wait it out? is it serious enough to call the doctor or wait it out? is she getting dehydrated or just tired? questions, questions, questions....constantly I'm asking myself questions. It's exhausting. So, I had hoped that by going to the doctor today it would relieve some of my anxieties, and while I'm glad to have a diagnosis and be treating it, now I'm asking myself -- did I wait too long to go to the doctor? should we have gone sooner? blah, blah, blah.
SOOOO....what it all comes down to is that His strength is perfect when our strength is gone, He'll carry us when we can't carry on, held by His spirit, the weak become strong... the SCC song goes something like that. I CAN'T do this mothering thing on my own and I am utterly dependent on Him to carry me through...even through the emotional struggles.
That's a long explanation, but hopefully you have a clearer picture of what's going on in my mind and heart and you can continue to pray for us.
I know that C is my priority before the housework and church work and all of that so I don't mind letting it go, but after a while the thought of getting "caught up" begins to look a little daunting. But -- one day I know I will look back and wish I could just sit on the couch and hold her on my lap, so that is what I'm doing. The sun continues to rise and set regardless of whether my dishwasher is unloaded or we have clean laundry.
linking up at Women Living Well